Minerva and the VSSDE
by whitetiger91
Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart has brought speed dating to Hogwarts.


_**A/N: This story was written as an entry for The Houses Competition, Year 3, Round 9.**_

 _ **House: Gryffindor**_

 _ **Year: Year 2 (Head Girl standing in)**_

 _ **Category: Drabble**_

 _ **Prompt: 6**_ ** _._** ** _[Action] Speed dating_**

 _ **Word count: 742 words (written on Google docs)**_

 ** _Betas: Thank you to CK (Theoretical-Optimist) for beta'ing! Xx_**

 ** _Additional A/N:_** ** _Speed dating was invented in 1998 by a Rabbi… so please consider this AU or, when my stories don't make sense, magic… Maybe the magical world was ahead of their time? Haha. This is a pretty silly tale but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless :)_**

* * *

 **Minerva and the VSSDE**

Not for the first time that year, Minerva was ready to kill Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Come on, Minnie, it could be fun," Pomona said, smiling from the next table. "Think of it as a night off from marking."

Minerva raised an eyebrow, refusing to uncross her arms. She'd much prefer marking assignments to the nonsense she was about to partake in _._ If she hadn't agreed to help her colleagues take their minds off the nasty Chamber of Secrets business, she would've been reading the second years' essays.

"Now the rules of my marvellous invention have been outlined," Gilderoy said, beaming around the Great Hall at everyone, "let the Valentine's Staff Speed Dating Extravaganza begin!"

She groaned as her first 'date' came hobbling over, his peg leg clacking against the marble floor. She didn't particularly mind Silvanus Kettleburn, but his tendency to put students and himself at risk of injury and death with his magical creatures meant she was glad he spent time most of his time outside.

"Ahh, Minerva, what fun this is! I often find dating far more dangerous than—than— _Achoo!_ "

"Merlin, Silvanus, are you alright?"

 _Achooo!_

Minerva wrinkled her nose in disgust as mucus sprayed all over her. Silvanus fished a handkerchief out of his pocket and blew his nose, turning apologetic red eyes towards her.

"Sorry, Minerva," he said, chuckling. "I usually never get this way unless I'm around cats; funnily enough for my profession, I'm allergic to the little buggers."

It was a good thing that Gilderoy chose that moment to ring the bell, for she wasn't sure Silvanus would still have his remaining limbs if he stayed. Looking over at the large clock sitting atop the staff stable, she counted down the minutes until it would all be over.

"Good evening, my dear Minnie, you're looking as beautiful as ever."

Turning back around, Minerva's eyes widened. "Mr Weasley, what do you think you're doing here? This is a staff event, not to mention past your curfew."

George—or was it Fred?—wiggled his eyebrows. "And make us students miss out on the opportunity to get to know our wonderful teachers?"

Minerva looked around the room, wondering how on Earth none of the other professors had noticed his presence. Filius was busy chatting away to a blushing Pomona, Albus was completing a knitting pattern as Rolanda bragged about her new whistle, and Severus was locked in a staring competition with Irma. Gilderoy himself was prattling away—no doubt about himself—apparently unaware that the seat opposite him was unoccupied.

"Mr Weasley, if you do not head back to the common room right now, I will be forced to take away house points—"

"Oh, Minnie, you break my heart," he said, placing a hand over his heart. "The question is, which twin am I? It'd be a pity to punish the other half of us when they didn't do anything wrong, now, wouldn't it?"

She opened her mouth to respond, but it seemed that someone had finally prodded Gilderoy to ring the bell.

The red-head saluted her, shouting, "I'll see you on Monday!" before skipping out of the room.

She shook her head, desperately in need of a drink. Something told her the Weasley boy would be the best candidate that night, especially when Argus Filch sat down.

"G-good evening, Minerva," he said, taking off an old bowler hat.

Minerva gave him a tight smile. "Good evening, Argus."

She noticed that his cheeks were flushed, and he couldn't seem to meet her gaze.

He fiddled with the rim of his hat as he said, "My, you smell pretty… erm… like a cat."

She narrowed her eyes, wondering if perhaps the event was just a charade to make cat jokes at her expense. She could imagine Albus putting Gilderoy up to it.

"Oh, that's a compliment," Argus said, drawing her attention back to him. "I like cats."

A loud yowl came from down below, and Minerva saw a tabby's yellow eyes glaring at her. Argus hurriedly got up to pat Mrs Norris, trying to soothe her.

"You're still my number one girl," she could hear him saying as the pair stalked off, Mrs Norris' tail up in the air.

Minerva placed her head against the table; even a drink wouldn't help her now. Her only saving grace was that Severus was due to see her next, and together, she was sure they could spend the few minutes of their speed date plotting Gilderoy Lockhart's demise.


End file.
